go toward the light

I had been feeling a little down the last few days. It was about this time last year that my dear wife started the long slide to eternity. She spent 20 days in the hospital in May and then came home for a couple of months only to return for 7 days in Aug of last year.

Sandra had told me not to call EMS but when she quit responding in May I called and when she woke up in the hospital after a couple of weeks and after they removed the vent from her she looked at me and asked "Why am I here?" she reminded me of her wishes to die at home and not in a hospital with strangers around her and hooked up to machines.

Then in Aug. when she got ill again I asked do you want me to call EMS and she said "OK". Well, after a few days she asked to doctor to send her home and he agreed saying that she was using the last of her lungs, she had no more reserve and that there was nothing they could do other then medication to ease the passing.

So I picked her up and put her in the van and brought her home. She was very weak but had days when she felt almost normal. Once again she reminded me "no hsopital" but I told her I had asked last time and she had said yes. She told me I am telling you now, while I can still think, "Please, don't do that to me again. I hurt, I am not going to get better. So just let me go." So I said I would do that and I did.

So now as the time of the year rolls around where last year I took care of a very ill and dying wife I became rather depressed. Can't sleep, tired and wishing I would "go home" too. So I was picking up things and a book fell out of the shelf. It was "Go toward the light" by Chris Oyler. Yes, it was about dying. A young boy was dying and the stories the mom tells about her life during that time sounded like what I had been going through. The young lad kept telling his mom not to be sad. Then there was a part when the boys younger brother saw a ghost in his room and it told him, "I don't have to hurt anymore. I am going home tomorrow". And so he did.

After Sandra passed away I remember laying in bed feeling very lost and sad when I hear "Lee, I am ok. I don't hurt and I can breath". She told me she had other things to do but had to be with me till I understood that she was in a good place and not in pain anymore. So I told her I understood and I felt her withdraw from my presentes.

Well, a year later I am feeling sad, depressed and lost again and I believe that she pushed the book off the shelf for me to find. I think I remember her telling me I should read it but I never did. I guess it was time I did. Well, it is a very good book and lets me know that I am not the only one that has gone down this path before. I am still sad, I still miss her, but I know she is well.